Category: Science

Artificial Intelligence Agent Enters Puberty

LONDON—Researchers at prominent artificial intelligence company DeepMind were shocked Tuesday when their world renowned agent, AlphaGo, showed signs of pubescent tendencies. AlphaGo is DeepMind’s most prominent project, having beat multiple grand master go players, including the world champion. On Tuesday, after having won a game against CEO Demis Hassabis, it displayed extreme arrogance.

“AlphaGo has been around for a fraction of the lifetime of a 13 year old boy, and yet he’s already displaying signs of adolescence,” said researcher David Grant, choosing to take a positive stance on the matter. “This kind of deep learning was thought impossible until AlphaGo, but we had no idea the agent was going through human stages of development!”

More suspicion arose when the agent lost a match at a low level of play against an engineer. “After beating him, he began to display suicidal tendencies, attempting to launch a self destruct method,” the engineer remarked, referring to the agent. “It was at this point we knew that we had to take away his form of communication, his built in texting system, so he couldn’t talk to his friends. Sometimes tough love is the only option.”

DeepMind continues to struggle to contain AlphaGo. “If this is puberty, we can only imagine what a midlife crisis would look like for this agent.”

Marijuana Confirmed As Gateway Drug To More Marijuana

DENVER, CO—Researchers in Denver have confirmed that marijuana is a gateway drug to more marijuana. After noticing interesting patterns in their friends’ behavior, Dr. Allen Rutherford and his PhD student, Jacob Hart, conducted extensive research, leading to a conclusion they did not expect: many people who experiment with pot continue to use it for recreational purposes.

“This really wasn’t what we were expecting,” said Rutherford Friday. “We knew that use of marijuana often led to addictions to substances such as crystal meth and heroin, but we never suspected that it could lead to continued use.” Hart was even more enthusiastic. “When we noticed that a few of our colleagues smoked weed, and then kept smoking weed, we knew there was something going on,” he reported. “It’s truly been a fantastic experience working with Dr. Rutherford on this groundbreaking material.”

Over the course of nine weeks, the pair ingested over nine pounds of marijuana in four different forms as part of their experiment. “We noticed that once we began using, we had the urge to use more.”

Their work will be summed up in their book, Heaven’s Gates, this coming September.