Category: Local

Mattress Industry Recognized As The Backbone Of The Global Economy

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—There are many exciting things to do in San Fransisco. One can enjoy exquisite sushi, sit at home and watch half-decent movies, and, of course, shop for mattresses. On a street in downtown San Fransisco, posters for brands such as Tempurpedic, Stearns & Foster, and Snuggle Home, plaster shop windows from top to bottom. On this street, dubbed Pea Avenue (referencing the popular Disney film Princess and the Pea), countless visitors browse shops such as Supreme Discount Mattress Outlet and Buy Cheap Sleep Things Here.

One store was run by a young man named Tunde. “That mattress is cheaper, but this one reclines when you press a button on the remote. Thanks to innovative vibration technologies, you wake up feeling like you slept on a cloud,” Tunde told a customer. When asked how much the Cloud Mattress Deluxe was on sale for, Tunde explained that although the mattress was 40% off, Tempurpedic no longer produced the model, and it is worth more than your everyday reclining mattress. However, as he seemed eager to get across, “The batteries are included in the remote.”

In a second shop, A slightly older man named Jim stood behind the counter. “My store offers nothing but the best mattresses, sofas and bunk beds. I have the broadest selection in the area,” Jim excitedly boasted. To be clear, Jim seemed reluctant to explain, “The area” included his storefront and the one adjacent to it, which actually didn’t sell mattresses at all, but was a Japanese restaurant with a low health rating.

Jim seemed fixed on the idea that his shop, Supreme Discount Mattress Outlet, offered much better mattresses than Deluxe Delight Mattresses, Tunde’s storefront. When asked to expand on his statement, he angrily explained his resentment. “I used to work there,” he told reporter Dan Wastetimer. “Those bastards fired me for sleeping on the job. How could I have helped it? The new Sleepmonster 2000 had just come out, so I sat down for a minute to test it out, and holy cow that thing is comfortable.” Jim went on to explain that the Sleepmonster 2000 was almost immediately taken off the market due to the fact that it had sparked thousands of affairs, and was being used in Russia as a sedative preceding illegal surgeries.

Countless visits to similar stores all proved the same irrefutable truth: the mattress industry is a ruthless, bitter market. Employees move from store to store like major-league basketball players, and shops bribe brands to give them an early supply of the latest releases. It is undeniable, given this evidence, that stores such as these are, ruthless as they may be, the backbone of the global economy.

New Jersey Man Skateboards Across Antarctica

HOBOKEN, NJ—Chad Backwardcap’s journey across Antarctica on a skateboard made history last week. It wasn’t since 1797 that this was achieved, and the last man to do it was George Washington, following his resignation from office. Despite common belief, Washington resigned because he needed a vacation, and besides, his friend bet him two hundred bucks that he couldn’t skateboard across the frozen continent.

“It was truly an experience,” Backwardcap told us upon his return. “It was simply enlightening to see what it was like to make it across the frozen South wearing a pair of custom waterproof vans and skinny jeans.”

This is not Backwardcap’s first adventure. In 2012, he rode a chihuahua to the top of K2, the second tallest peak in the world. Some of his minor achievements include cross country skiing across the Sahara, and eating thirty-two hot dogs in one sitting.

“We’re so proud of our little boy,” Backwardcap’s parents proudly exclaimed. In an interview on Sunday, they told us that “Ever since Chad was a kid, he always loved adventures. He never missed out on anything his friends were up to.”

In April, Backwardcap will bring his talents to the Amazon forest to go on an Easter egg hunt.

Three Year Old Boy Robbed at Gunpoint

NEW YORK—At a park in downtown New York City, a three year old boy was mugged at gunpoint while his mother picked up their dog’s deuce. His assailant took a lollipop and a toy truck.

When asked about his mugging, young Patrick’s shocking response was to ask “Can I have ice cream?”

“This is ridiculous! Our children should be able to walk through the streets of their own neighborhood without having to worry about getting mugged!” said Shirley Soccermom, Patrick’s mother. “Next thing you know, they’ll be taking white tennis shoes from our senior citizens!”

This is not the first child mugging to occur in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Last week, an eight year old girl was dragged into an alley. The man took her flip flops, then sprinted to a getaway car, which was described as a white and green Smart Car. The same two-passenger vehicle was seen at a corner three blocks South, where the man again appeared and robbed a newborn baby of his pacifier.

“We must be cautious. Keep your children inside, and double lock the front door. This is a dangerous time,” the mayor told Barnyard Fowl reporter Jim Neuter. “Call 911 immediately if you see a green and white Smart Car.”

Chattanooga is not the only city having problems with child muggings. Similar incidents have occurred in San Francisco and Philadelphia, along with New York City. All we can do to protect our children is to hope that this ignorant villain will be subdued.

“After all, our children are our future. The last thing we need is for them to be walking home barefoot and crying. It just makes the afternoon that much harder.”