Squirrel Leaders Demand End Of Squirrel Extermination

WASHINGTON—In a 9 p.m. speech at the monthly gathering of the group, North American Squirrel Association spokesman Flufftail called upon the government to pass a law preventing homeowners from hiring exterminators for cases of squirrels in their attics.

“By calling that exterminator, as many as five squirrels are left either dead or homeless, and often separated from their families,” Flufftail told the crowd of NASA members and reporters. “This leaves countless squirrels cold alone on the city telephone wires.”

Saturday’s speech is one of many recent endeavors to end the increasing amounts of squirrel extermination. On December 17th, a coalition of respected squirrel leaders including Flufftail, Nutcracker, Fuzzypaws and attempted cat-murder survivor John Whiskers ordered the immediate elimination of squirrel extermination. When accused of breaking and entering, the squirrels reacted strongly, blaming their frequent invasion of homes on the cold weather.

“There’s snow on the ground, and we’ve lost track of our nut stashes. We’re desperate for a place to wait out the frigid conditions,” Fuzzypaws said when the Association appeared before the senate. “Despite common belief, we don’t hibernate. We have some dignity, unlike the chipmunks.”

Members of the senate had a strong reaction to the squirrel’s arguments.

“I haven’t seen anything so hilarious in all my years on the senate,” Sen. George Williams (D-PA) told reporters between gasps. “Calling all YouTubers, we have a potential viral video opportunity here. Look at the lil hands! And the fluffy tails! And when they talk…HA! I never knew before now what sound squirrels actually make. It’s sort of a…squeaky chattery sorta thing.” Before long, the majority of the senate was rolling on the floor with laughter.

This is not the first time the squirrels pleas have been set back by their hilarity. In November, a meeting between Pennsylvania mayor Tom Wolf and NASA president Fuzz Nutcracker was cut short when the squirrel was lifted off of the ground and put on a treadmill. The video was uploaded to America’s Funniest Videos, to the distress of the entire squirrel coalition. A rally in 2015 concluded with a crowd of humans with video cameras flooding the streets of Washington.

However, the squirrels face many oppositions despite their hilarity.

“What people forget is that these creatures cause enormous problems. I have had a squirrel problem in my back yard for the past five years, and they keep coming back and eating my trash,” Said homeowner Abigail Ramirez (R-NJ). “Everything they say is a manipulation meant to guilt you into letting them crash in your attic for a few months and eat your garbage when the warm weather returns. Vermin.”

New Haven, CT homeowner Rachel Morris concurred. “If we let this go on, this campaign could put countless Americans out of a job. Exterminators are a part of our economy. Squirrels, however, are not. Besides, isn’t Whiskers the one who scratched up Mr. Kilmer’s cat the other night?”

Pleas to congress are not the only part of the squirrel’s campaign. They have attempted to raise awareness through countless promotional videos.

“When the citizens of America call exterminators, our lives are put in danger,” NASA Vice-President told the camera on their latest clip. “Although we make some pitter-patter noises over your heads at night, I think you all know in your hearts that it’s nice to know that you’re never alone.”

“Besides, who would get rid of all the acorns if we were gone? You wouldn’t be able to walk under an oak tree without tripping all over the place.”

Homage to The Onion 5/31/00

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